Celebrating Christmas

a prime spot for watching the Santa Claus parade

Yes it is true. This year I am choosing to celebrate Christmas. I know this might come as a shock, but while the calendar turned a page and the season hit full swing (or at least became kosher for the “it’s always too early for Christmas” crowd), my tree has been up for weeks, the outdoors lights are on (the electrical bill is in the mail) and the Christmas music is loaded on to my ipod in excess.

For those who know me as Mr. Christmas, this “shock” comes with a bit of tongue and cheek. I carried over my passion for the season in to our marriage, and for ten years I have led the way in bringing Christmas spirit to a home that I share with Mrs. “I hate Christmas” Courtney. Well, make that eight. Two years ago our Christmas went dark. No trees, no lights, no baking and no gifts.

We have told the story of that year(s) earlier in our blog. This year a page has turned. There is a new story to tell as a family of three. The wonder of experiencing so many “first’s” with Sasha has revitalized our own sense of what it means to experience the world. We cherish these firsts, as we know all too well how fast each moment seems to pass. Preparing for this first Christmas, HIS first Christmas, is no different. This year I feel a special responsibility to once again lead the way on bringing Christmas spirit to our home.

Now, maybe I am simply more aware, but I have noticed a particular onslaught of posts this year about boycotting our consumerist culture and the gift giving tradition. One such post goes so far as to declare a “cancelation” of Christmas. It has caused me to wrestle with and ponder what it means for us to truly “celebrate” as a family this season, especially with a young mind under our influence. I believe this wrestling has been a positive thing for my own spirit, and as a result of this pondering, the following are three things that I am choosing to celebrate as a family this year:

1. THE OPPORTUNITY TO PASS ON TO MY SON THE SAME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT THAT INSPIRED ME TO WONDER AND IMAGINE AS A KID (AND AS AN ADULT)
My memories of Christmas as a kid are fond. It might not be all sunshine and lollipops, but it was definitely full of flickering lights and candy canes (with a dash of egg nogg here and there of course). Now I’ll be honest. We always had presents under the tree. Another confession: I was always the first one up on Christmas morning arranging these gifts in to appropriate order.

I also had my list of holiday films, which would include watching Miracle on 34^th Street on Christmas morning while I waited (im)patiently for everyone else to get up. On Christmas morning I can remember BIG breakfasts that led the way to a reading of the Christmas story and our eventual gift exchange. It all brought out my best qualities J: which I like to think is my passionate imagination, my penchant for wonder, and my (cheesy) romanticism (sorry Jen, I think I am more cheesy than romantic these days).

 

Many of these memories are long gone. I still feel the loss of old family traditions, even if I still get up early and watch my movie. It was a loss that was more than physical. It was spiritual and symbolic of a larger grieving process of growing older. There have been more than a few moments since that have left me with a feeling that the years ahead seem unattractive at best, and demoralizing and defeating at worst, even when deep down I felt this should not be the case.

I am grateful that when I met Jen I was given a glorious opportunity to rediscover some of that childlike wonder and reform my vision for the future. Falling for someone has a way of resetting the clock (where I got all that energy to court in our dating year at 28 years old I have no idea). And given that she hates Christmas (her Christmas hat reads “Jingle This”), it motivated me to rediscover and pass on something of that Christmas spirit that I had once held in abundance. It was not easy. She might even say I was not successful. And I think she might be half right.

While Jen did not come to share my passion, I admit I also failed to understand the reasons for her disdain. Eight years later when our Christmas went dark, we learnt an important lesson as a couple. A pastor of mine once said that life is a song, and to stop singing is to lose sight of the hope that keeps us moving forward. What the Church represents in this analogy is the power of a song in a common community. In community we are afforded a chance to stumble, to lose our voice. It is the choir that keeps the song moving forward when we have lost the melody. I had tried to keep singing the story of Christmas when Jen could not. But it took me to stop singing to finally learn how to sing together. That song was our adoption. It was the hope for a child when life was telling us different.

Hope is the (sometimes silent and unspeakable) prayer that expects the possible in the midst of the impossible.  Further, hope rearranges our expectations in order to surprise us with something even better than we can imagine on our own, especially when the weight of the world tells us differently . Sasha is our impossible expectation. He is more than we could have imagined. And despite what tomorrow might bring, we know that in this moment we have been given something incredible.

The story of the incarnation is intended to renew our vision for what this world can be. The older I get the harder this is to imagine. But if these past years have taught me anything, it is that no matter how heavy this world gets, god’s vision for our future must stand… and does stand that much taller. And thankfully it is this same truth that can lay claim to our present circumstance as well.

This year I am celebrating the possibility of hope in a world of impossibilities, a reignited sense of that imaginative and wondering spirit that was once alive and well. And above I am celebrating the chance to learn to sing together in a common harmony as a family of 3, even as I continue to do so with the greater family of our surrounding community.

2. CHRISTMAS TEACHES US TO BOTH GIVE AND RECEIVE

The giving of gifts is often the first thing that gets targeted in posts about boycotting Christmas and campaigns against the evils of consumerism. Confession: we are choosing to put gifts under the tree this Christmas. I’ll be honest. I don’t remember Christmas as a kid being an issue of abundance. As a child it is how I l learned the value of giving and receiving freely. As a father of a son who is still learning what it means to have his own room, I am hoping for an opportunity to teach the same values.  That is to give generously and not begrudgingly, and to likewise receive willingly and openly without the burden of guilt or comparison.

For me the lesson of gift giving and receiving is a way of knowing and being known in community. We sing a common song, but we also sing as unique individuals. To give and receive makes you vulnerable. It forces you to recognize the identity and character of another. It also forces you to be open with others about who you are, to share your passions and your interests freely. Sometimes I think this gets lost in the trappings of a consumerist culture where gift giving can seem about dollars and obligation rather than creativity and meaning.

Sasha on his first day of school

Jen on Sasha's first day of school

For me, travelling to the Ukraine taught me this lesson in a way I did not expect. Ukraine continues to struggle with the reality of an oppressed history and the fight for a free future. If you can forgive the political terminology, it is something of a case study in the ongoing tension between socialist mentalities and capitalist function. I might be wrong, but here is how I have come to understand it through my conversations with Ukrainians: Socialism (at it’s most positive heart) is about maintenance and survival. It speaks to their oppression. It guides their capacity for sharing and their tendency for rationing. Capitalism (at its most positive heart) is about growth and progress. For them it represents the vision of a free culture. Where one builds a necessary foundation (they are a stronger people because of their history and experience), the other builds on this foundation as a celebration of their identity (they desire to be free to express and live out who they are). Another word for identity is CULTURE. At its core, culture is that common community, that common song that echoes from a communion of unique individuals.

Interestingly, I discovered that it has been the philosophers and writers, the poets and the artists who have led the way forward for Ukraine whenever a positive page has managed to turn. Beyond the oppression, these “artists” have allowed us to see a people who are celebrated by their dress (and what wonderful colours they represent), their food (which goes much further than borscht, for as good as the borscht is) their traditions and their beliefs. I had the privilege of getting to know some of these passions and interests both in the context of community and in the stories of individuals. And I remain grateful for what they taught me and what they were willing to share, even as they themselves continue to hope for that eventual gift of freedom.  

Learning to give and receive is a lesson that has hit us ten fold in our early months as parents. While I have come to recognize the necessary level of self sacrifice that parenting requires (and have strived to embrace it joyfully), in some ways it has been the practice of receiving that has been much harder. It has been overwhelming and consistently humbling to experience and reflect on the amount of support we have received from friends and family. You have all willingly listened to our story and faithfully journeyed with us along the way. We are left with few words in response, and we know we cannot begin to repay everyone in our lifetime. And yet we continue to move forward in the freedom that grace affords, understanding that with what we have been given we now have greater opportunity to give this Christmas season.

For me, celebrating Christmas this year is about facing the reality of our consumerist culture and acknowledging the tension between oppression and identity. I believe we can learn to face it while also upholding a greater value. Our adoption has taught me to recognize oppression and to respond to it. Thankfully it also taught me to see past my son’s own personal oppression and towards his identity as a free individual. We have said this before, but our adoption was not about saving our son. It was about an opportunity to share in his story. To this end, I am choosing to put gifts under the tree, to light up our house, to bring out the Christmas baking and watch holiday films all because it affords me an opportunity to get to KNOW the CULTURE of my son and to share my culture with him, even as I continue to cultivate this same relationship with my wife and others. Our cultures may have once been separate by miles and ocean, but the task of knowing is still just as great an opportunity from two doors over.

3. RENEWED AND NEW TRADITIONS CREATE LASTING MEMORIES

Our first few months as a family have been about celebrating many firsts. It has also been about establishing our own traditions. This holiday time has sparked conversation in our household about the possibilities of what this can look like over the Christmas season. We are dreaming up ideas such as a perogie making day, getting inspired by the onslaught of holiday fare on the food network by planning a baking day, introducing him to tobogganing and skating, indulging in holiday movies and late night camp outs in the living room, making Christmas shoe boxes together, doing our own holiday lights tour, connecting with his orphanage back in Izmail, utilizing the 12 meatless dishes of Christmas Eve, candle lighting with the inlaws, Christmas day brunch, celebrating Ukrainian Christmas, and perhaps most importantly taking a familiar (for me) road trip to Toronto to introduce Sasha to my extended family in the same way we did when I was a kid.

A big part of my Christmas memories growing up was the opportunity to see and visit my extended family once a year. Confession: It has been many years since I have kept up this investment. There have been many marriages and births that have changed the landscape since the last time I went. We will also be travelling with the knowledge that my Grandpa is not doing well. This may be our final opportunity to see him, and it may be our only chance to introduce Sasha. Add to this the news that a close family friend may not have much time left on this earth and we are left with this realization: Life is a hard song to sing. And yet for me, retracing the footsteps of my childhood memories feels like an incredibly hopeful endeavour. For me I am celebrating the opportunity to create new memories as a family, an opportunity to reignite some of the wonder and excitement that the last few years have seemed to steal, and to reconnect with those things that makes life meaningful.

I have always lived by the mantra that memories are the most important investment one can make. It is my hope that Christmas can become a positive memory in the life of Sasha in the same way that it was for me, a reminder that despite some of the tragic memories he undoubtedly carries from his own past and that he will face continue to face as he grows older, that he can still hope in a greater vision for his future. That no matter how tough life gets he is still free to dream and imagine and wonder in the offerings of the moment.  

WISHING EVERYONE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

I sincerely wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a wonderful holiday season. May it be filled with the joy of memory making and celebrating new and old traditions. May it come with the anticipation of celebrating our communion in Christ but also celebrating our communion with each other as unique identities and individuals. Let us all learn to give and receive wholly and joyfully this season in the ways that make sense for us, and let us always remember that power of the song that keeps us moving forward.

Post Adoption Update

Last Sunday we were incredibly blessed and privileged to be the recipients of a special Ukrainian supper and celebration which was hosted and attended by a wonderful crew of Ukrainian ladies and friends and family. We were given the opportunity to re-share some of our story, introduce Sasha, and give an update on our post adoption world (although truth be told, the actuality of our adoption is a life long reality). This evening was somewhat of a limited engagement that had been planned for us, and we know that there are a number of friends and family who were not there who have expressed interest in having an update on where we are at in our first month as a family. We continue to be grateful to everyone who has asked questions, followed our blog, and supported us along the way. Every morning we continue to wake up overwhelmed by it all.

So here is an official post adoption update, including what was shared last Sunday evening:

WHERE ARE WE AT?
People have had many questions regarding how things are going with Sasha’s adjustment to Canada and Winnipeg. Truth be told we have much to be very grateful for. The transition has been surprisingly smooth both for us and for Sasha. We have often commented on how it feels like this is simply the way life has always been. It is difficult to remember life without Sasha. Here is the practical side of the past month:

·      Home Life: Here is what we are thankful for:

o   The fact that Sasha has no problem sleeping and that it took him all of two minutes to claim his room and make himself at home. The fact that he is so comfortable at home is a blessing.

o   It is as if our dogs have known Sasha all his life and that he has known them. We could not ask for a better fit.

o   He continues to freely and willingly identify our home as his home and our family as his family in conversation with others

o   Sasha has attached so quickly to us as parents and has exhibited no attachment issues.

We don’t take any of the above points for granted, as we know these are the most common areas of struggle for any adoptive process. We are prepared for issues to come up eventually, but so far the hardest thing we have come up against is getting him to listen without having to ask him to do things two are three times in a row. We are pretty sure that just comes with the territory of being a young teen though J. We continue to be amazed and grateful that he has adapted so incredibly well. He eats almost anything. He has a consistent smile around the house. He laughs a lot. He talks a lot (at home). He adjusts to routine. He’s helpful around the house. And he is just a well rounded individual.

·      School:

o   We struggled to make the right decision regarding his schooling. We have decided to start him on half days beginning this coming week in Ukrainian Immersion.

o   He has been going to Ukrainian language classes with us (we attend the adult class while he attends his grade level) every Saturday morning.

·      Communication:

o   How do we communicate? The honest answer is, we don’t know. He speaks Russian, we speak English and somehow it just works. Google translate is a welcome tool on any day. But we spend most of our day simply winging it.

o   We would say the only two areas of concern regarding communication is first socially (allowing others to get to know him), and secondly emotionally (having a better ability and gauge on how he is doing in the moment to moment). But that will come with time.

WHAT HAS ADOPTION TAUGHT US?

That is the practical aspect. At the Ukrainian supper we also shared some of the key things that adoption has taught us thus far. Here are three of the biggest learning’s that we shared on that night:

·      Trust and Patience: Right before we left for the Ukraine we sat down to meet with one of our facilitators here in the city to prepare for our trip. We discussed many things. But at one point during our conversation she told us that in all her years with the agency and working with adoptions, the one thing she has become convinced of is the role of divine appointment (it should be said they are not a religious organization). Having arrived back in Canada as a family we share her sentiment. There have been (many) lows and there have been (a few less) highs along the way. And we recognize that it is often easier to reflect on questions of the divine when you are out of the valley. But looking back we cannot help but say with confidence that in some way and some how all of the circumstances aligned in a way that, for us, speaks to something out side of ourselves. Our feeling is that we were in the Ukraine at the exact right time to meet Sasha and for Sasha to meet us.

Regarding what adoption has taught us, here is a bit of what we continue to see as god’s hand in the process:

1.     Our struggle with infertility brought us back to reconsider a conversation we had in our first years of marriage, which was that we valued the idea of adoption and always saw it as a part of our future.

2.     Our first year of marriage was the most difficult of our married life. Merely six months in we made the decision to bring two furry friends in to our family who, at that time in our lives, became something of our salvation. They have been with us through thick and thin (our entire married life). 8 years later we found ourselves hitting a similar low in our married lives, so low that we feared divorce. The truth is, in our lowest moments it was the right conversations at the right time, and unexpected doors of opportunity that brought the discussion of adoption back in to the mix and encouraged us to learn to trust in god and trust in our marriage when we did not know how. Sasha now completes our family, and in a similar way to our furry friends, is now pushing us to reconnect as a couple, strengthen our marriage and see beyond our circumstance 10 years later.

3.     Patience: We recognize that there are many who have adopted who have had different struggles than ours, and in some ways greater struggles and challenges than our own. The other couples that we have had the privilege of meeting in the recent months have inspired us with stories of patience and endurance. We see god in their stories as well, both in the good and the bad, especially when the sort of patience they modeled seemed impossible . Patience is a learnt attribute. It is often one of the hardest to learn. On our end we believe it has made us in to better people and stronger characters.

4.     So much of our time in Ukraine was marked by extremes, things going either very wrong or impossibly right. In end we look back and cannot help but wonder at just how these extremes seemed to work together for a greater good. One small step to the left or right would have left us in the Ukraine for weeks or months longer, a fact that would have broke us financially (our pennies ran out on what would be the final day of our time in the Ukraine). One small decision would have caused us to miss out on the opportunity to see Sasha at all. As it is, we found a kid who was the perfect fit for our dogs, a prayer we said many a night before leaving. He is a perfect fit for our pace and demeanor. He is a perfect fit for where we are at in life. A mere two day delay in our court hearing process (and on such a meaningless issue) gave us what otherwise would have been a missed opportunity to see and walk through Jen’s family heritage. Again we are convinced that this is a part of a divine appointment.

5.     When it comes to the practice of adoption, there has always been a tension between the legal process and the emotional one. On a government level something happens on a piece of paper (okay, a lot of pieces of paper). On a spiritual and emotional level it symbolizes something even greater. In fact, we have come to believe (and learn) that adoption is about so much more than getting to declare your status with a piece of paper, or even a symbol. Adoption, for us, has become a sacred act. There is something actual and very real that happens when that court decree is declared, when that passport arrives, or when you first step off that plane as a new family. Something changes and transforms at the core of who you are and where you find your identity.  There is a bond that forms and reaches backwards and forwards to rearrange your memories and your sense of your own history together. It is hard to explain, and we did not know to expect it before we left. But we can both say that we definitely felt it happen. 

6.     When one thinks of adoption it is easy to think of it as an act of charity, that you are committing to saving a kid from conditions that are less than ideal. Having walked through the process we came to recognize that adoption is not about swooping in to save a child. It is a humbling process to consider that our child had a home, a culture and a life in the Ukraine. Yes, we can provide Sasha with his own bedroom and a family, and opportunities he would not otherwise have. But at the same time we also learned the value of honoring and recognizing the life that he knew and the community that he had to choose to leave behind. There is not a moment that goes by where we do not reflect on the fact that for as much as we chose Sasha, Sasha also chose us. It is a relationship that flows in both directions and that must learn to give and receive in both directions.

LOOKING AHEAD AT THE COMING DAYS

So where are we at now? We are having so much fun with Sasha in our home. We are spending our days learning routines and building traditions. It is surprising how many "firsts" we are experiencing together.  Given his age we had to hit the ground running. The first time decorating for Halloween and Christmas, going trick or treating, going to the corn maze, trying certain Manitoba staples (including maple syrup), going to the dentist, seeing a parade. The list goes on. Every moment counts as he will grow up very quickly. We have no idea how to parent, and specifically to navigate the uniqueness of cross cultural adoption. But we desire to do the best that we can with what we have and who we are. Some of the biggest things in the coming weeks is starting school, going out on his own with others (other than us) for the first time(s). Expanding his social circle and meeting and making friends.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support. We have truly felt the communities support carrying us through this all along the way.

Dopobachenya!

Our flight leaves in a few short hours as I log this final post from Ukraine. Sasha and I walked down to Independence Square for the last time to get some breakfast. As I was walking and taking in my surroundings, the sun warmed my toes and my heart. I looked up to the waving Ukrainian Flag and it was waving high with pride for it's country. It was almost glowing from the sunlight. What a beautiful way to say goodbye to a country that is has given me (and Dave) the opportunity to connect with lost relatives, explore its historical story and most of all, given us Sasha. It is truly a very bittersweet time as we have had a very successful adoption process but not without bumps along the way. All in all, to complete the adoption and be back in our home country within seven weeks is outstanding! We are thankful for that!

A few people we would like to thank here in Kyiv; Inna, Ira, Yana, and of course, Hodeem. Thank you for all of your hard work in translating documents, translating "us", finding a (amazing and perfect for us) child to call our own, and the travel on the long and bumpy road from Izmail to Kyiv, Kyiv to Izmail and the five other times it's been travelled by our team! You have truly blessed our family and we thankful for each of you:)

Family and friends, we are coming home! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers as we've journeyed through this in the past seven weeks. Parents, thank you for your support! We love you and are very excited to introduce you to the newest McKenzie-Courtney (but not for along, right J and K?!) Sasha!

In 24 hours, we will be in Winnipeg. Reunited with Dave, Charlie and Lucy. I can't hardly wait:)

Thanks again:)
D, J, and S.

Many sides of thankfulness

It's been a humbling experience here in Ukraine, particularly when we were in Izmail and visiting Sasha in the orphanage. Today is Thanksgiving back home but here it was an ordinary day for the locals. In fact, our facilitator was at the Canadian Embassy trying to pick up some documents, but when she got there, she found out it was closed.

Today Sasha and I went to a large scale mall called "Ocean Plaza Mall". I wish I would have known about this upon our arrival as it is as close to a "home" mall as I can get here. They even have KFC.
We went to return a keyboard I bought that had Russian characters, but then the cheap Jen came out and said, "Just write on your laptop!" So I did. The return process is quite involved. It started with me waiting for 20 minutes and getting dirty looks from the people I tried to communicate with that didn't speak English. Then once it was my turn, it was another twenty minutes of processing five, yes five pieces of paper, plus they photocopied my passport and stapled it all together just to get 250 hrivnas. (about $20 CA) I now have a paper trail that documents my time at Ocean Plaza Mall in Kyiv, UA.

I found a crazy huge grocery store at the very bottom (the mall had four levels) of the mall. Ashan, I think would be the translation. It was like a Costco minus the membership. Sasha being Sasha, was impatient but as soon as we rolled to the grocery section, he was little Mr. helper. Here you have to weigh the produce yourself and print a sticker rather than the cashier doing it (I've clogged some lines without this prior knowledge of pre-weighing). So Sasha was in charge of printing labels and asking for everything including this carrot slaw stuff that I was reluctant to buy as I'm not a fan of such foods, but we bought it anyway. We got home and began to prepare our first Thanksgiving together. Although it will never be complete without Dave and my family and a dog jumping up on the table to eat the food, but it was Thanksgiving nonetheless here in Ukraine.

Sasha and I prepared a simple dinner of sliced ham (of course), potato pancakes (deruny), with sauteed mushrooms and onions. Don't forget the sour cream and carrot slaw. The table was set, we said grace then we dug in. It really was a nice dinner even though it didn't last very long.

I shared with Sasha some of our traditions that we do at home, like eat ham and potatoes, share our stories of thankfulness which led me to state my thankfulness for meeting Sasha and calling him my son. I am also thankful for my husband who walked every step with me throughout this journey and who trusted me enough to complete the process on my own. Thanks Dave! I love you:)

Although Sasha speaks very few words (even in Russian), I know he is thankful. I could see it in his smile after he was finished dinner, it was twinkling in his eye as we continued the Cholosky tradition of 31 after dinner, and I can see it now as he watches some Ukrainian t.v with me at his side. I am even thankful for the quietest of moments with him. Thank you for you, Sasha:)


                                                                     Happy Thanksgiving

We ventured out even though someone was a little grumpy and didn't like his photo taken:)

 It's hard doing selfies on a Rebel... (I look pained)

Some sort of Slavic Festival taking place at Independence Square this past weekend

On our way to Lviv Chocolate Shop and we spotted this... it belongs to Nicolas?!?

Ok, so I am embracing my bride stalking... But she was so pretty running down the steps of St. Andrew's Cathedral...

Lviv Chocolate Shop and this kid orders Blueberries and cream!

 Sasha's first Funicular ride! He won't ever admit it, but he was loving every second of it:)

Thanksgiving Monday, I gave some cooking lessons. Dave, we might have a chef on our hands!

 Yah, he's pretty thankful:)

 And so am I:)

Cholosky tradition. Sasha lost first round.

 I lost the second!

And the winner of 1.50 grivnas (or 12 cents) is.....