Year 2 in Review: Transitions, Routine and The Stuff of Life

Another Year Gone By
I can remember looking back on our first year as a family with a mix of nostalgia and introspection. As August arrived I felt like I was being transported back to our time in Ukraine, feeling like we were only days removed from walking off that plane and meeting Sasha at the orphanage. Our boy had yet to hit the growth spurt that now finds him standing taller than his mother (and fast catching up to me). He was still that familiar kid who fit nicely under his mother’s chin.

Two years in and I think we are both realizing just how fleeting the moments have become, especially with the onslaught of teenage hormones (and attitude) that have come in tow. Why, it was just the other day that he insisted the only girlfriend he has is in his dreams (“Good, cause that’s the best place for her”, as his mother would say). In reality we have entered the phase of lingering gazes and inevitable flirting.

In our dreams we secretly hoped for another year of our young, hormone free boy, but alas, time is moving forward.

The Transition of School

One of the big dynamics we wrestled with last year was the push to keep Sasha in Grade 8 for another year. That decision turned out to be the right one for all of us. If I may put on my proud parent hat, his conversational English has grown leaps and bounds, as has his maturity. He managed to graduate with successful grades and minimal adaptation, while also gaining high regard from his teachers and a “Most Improved Student” award. We might not feel ready for him to grow up and enter high school, but I think the extra year gave us some solace in the fact that he feels ready to make the transition.

For me, the move to high school means that he is finally feeling grounded and established in his new Canadian home. This is exciting for me. From day one we have celebrated a kid who made the transition to a foreign country and a new family better than we could have imagined. He has been far more emotionally present than the adoption seminars prepared us for, and far more resilient. From the first day of bouncing in to his room and sleeping through the night, to being comfortable enough now to make daily raids of the fridge as he talks back to his parents through a mouth full of whatever (um, didn’t we just go grocery shopping yesterday!?... and would you like to repeat that?), I think there is a ton of room to celebrate the way he has allowed this to become his new foundation. He might not be able to show it very often, but I believe he genuinely recognizes and trusts that we are his family and he is our son, and knows that we aren’t going anywhere. This is something that I believe has allowed him to make all of these transitions well.

The Process is Complete:

Speaking of transitions, one of the most memorable moments of this past year was watching him become a Canadian citizen. It was interesting, as the process itself requires registering and waiting. We had no idea when we would get the call to come down for the ceremony, but for a kid who rarely wanted to acknowledge or talk about his Ukrainian heritage it came on a day when he suddenly developed a craving for Ukrainian food. This turned in to a day of celebrating all things Ukrainian, as a trip to one of our local Ukrainian/European grocers turned in to a tour of them all, the end result being a table full of traditional goodies.

It would be in this moment of capturing a picture of a smiling Ukrainian boy sitting behind a mountain of Ukrainian food that the phone rang and we got word to come down for the ceremony the very next day.

It is unfortunate that he could not retain dual citizenship, but we remain thankful for that celebratory moment, as he got ready to take the final step forward in to his new identity. He shared very little about what this meant for him, even whether it was a struggle or whether he was excited or grieving, but we felt privileged and honored to be a part of it. This was the final step for us as well. No more paperwork, the years of process was now complete.

From a Year of Firsts to Building Routine

I have found year two to be less about the firsts and more about the routine. To be honest, some of this year was extremely tough. Okay, a lot of it was extremely tough, for all of us. This was where the fairy tale image of the old Krakow square that I wrote about a year ago really began to give way to the messiness of daily life. With both of us now working, and Sash in full swing at school, navigating some of the pressures of having two working parents and a not quite independent son provided a steep learning curve. And yet all three of us continue to forge forward, developing our family through the messiness, holding on to the positive through the ups and the downs. Perhaps most importantly we are reminded that the story that brought us together was a messy one too, and that’s perfectly okay.

The Mess of Family

It’s in the messiness that I am reminded that adoption is a unique thing that requires a unique approach. This is probably most evident in the reality that Sasha has a past that is still largely unknown to us. There have been some pretty incredible moments where he has opened up and where some of the pieces of the puzzle have been able to fall in to place, but there remains a life-time worth of memories and experiences that we are only able to imagine. Year two has reminded me that we can never simply assume what lies underneath actions and emotions (or lack of them), we can only choose to remain aware and adaptive. This might mean forcing those one-sided conversations, and continuing to try new approaches when the previous one failed to work. But it always involves giving grace both to him and to our selves.

In all of this I hold on to the idea that, somehow and in someway, even when we feel like this entire experiment called parenting is failing, that Sasha is getting the chance to catch up on a childhood that his limited life in the orphanage never fully afforded.

As I have been reflecting back on this year I recognize that we have kept him fairly busy, but for me, one of my favorite things this year has been watching him continue to find his way in the life of our Church. He has found a natural fit with helping to care for the younger ones (it is always a great sight when to see him coming up the stairs on a Sunday morning with at least three young kids hanging off each arm), and he has made some good bonds with the other youth and his youth leader. Perhaps most surprising is his enthusiasm for the bi-weekly outing to our local food and clothing shelter.


Knowing How To Celebrate
It must be said though, when it comes to reflecting on this time of year, it was an interesting process to know exactly how to celebrate and honor the key dates of our time overseas. Do we celebrate our arrival in Ukraine (August 23^rd)? The first day of meeting Sasha (September 1^st)? The court date when we officially became a family (October 8^th)? His first day in Canada (October 23^rd)? Throw Ukrainian Independence Day (August 24^th) in to the mix and his birthday on September 12^th, and suddenly Christmas is around the corner. I remember feeling emotionally tapped by the time the winter season was in full swing last year,  and yet I can’t escape the feeling that finding a way to continue to incorporate these important dates remains a necessary part of the cross-cultural journey, both in to the life of our son and the Country that was his home.

The sad truth is the memory of our time in Ukraine is starting to feel a bit more fragmented and bit more distant.  I guess time has a way of doing that. I have hope though that, however we navigate the celebrations and memories of these next few months, that there is opportunity to slow down time, even briefly, and to be reminded about the stuff that remains most important: the stuff that brought us together.

Most of all, I hope the next few months provide an opportunity to encourage and allow Sasha not to lose sight of where he came from. Ukraine is his heritage. It is a part of who he is. The memories, good and bad, are the stuff that can help him to understand who he is and how to grow. It is also the stuff that can continue to give us a window in to who he is and teach us how to help him grow.

Looking Towards Year 3

As we get ready to move towards year 3, it is my hope and prayer that Sasha continues to grow in to his new present identity as a Ukrainian-Canadian on the other side of his Ukrainian Immersion school, and that we will all find ways to explore his past together while helping him stay connected. It is my hope that we can find ways to also build new memories as he moves to a new school, makes new friends and meets new challenges. I hope that we can be more spontaneous and invest in new experiences, while also continuing to build on our current routines and traditions. Most of all I hope we can find ways to slow down the clock even a little, to allow us to make the most of year two. Because all it takes is one blink and we’ll find him behind the wheel. Memo to my son: Don’t grow up too soon Sasha, you’ve got a lifetime to do that.