Post Adoption Update

Last Sunday we were incredibly blessed and privileged to be the recipients of a special Ukrainian supper and celebration which was hosted and attended by a wonderful crew of Ukrainian ladies and friends and family. We were given the opportunity to re-share some of our story, introduce Sasha, and give an update on our post adoption world (although truth be told, the actuality of our adoption is a life long reality). This evening was somewhat of a limited engagement that had been planned for us, and we know that there are a number of friends and family who were not there who have expressed interest in having an update on where we are at in our first month as a family. We continue to be grateful to everyone who has asked questions, followed our blog, and supported us along the way. Every morning we continue to wake up overwhelmed by it all.

So here is an official post adoption update, including what was shared last Sunday evening:

WHERE ARE WE AT?
People have had many questions regarding how things are going with Sasha’s adjustment to Canada and Winnipeg. Truth be told we have much to be very grateful for. The transition has been surprisingly smooth both for us and for Sasha. We have often commented on how it feels like this is simply the way life has always been. It is difficult to remember life without Sasha. Here is the practical side of the past month:

·      Home Life: Here is what we are thankful for:

o   The fact that Sasha has no problem sleeping and that it took him all of two minutes to claim his room and make himself at home. The fact that he is so comfortable at home is a blessing.

o   It is as if our dogs have known Sasha all his life and that he has known them. We could not ask for a better fit.

o   He continues to freely and willingly identify our home as his home and our family as his family in conversation with others

o   Sasha has attached so quickly to us as parents and has exhibited no attachment issues.

We don’t take any of the above points for granted, as we know these are the most common areas of struggle for any adoptive process. We are prepared for issues to come up eventually, but so far the hardest thing we have come up against is getting him to listen without having to ask him to do things two are three times in a row. We are pretty sure that just comes with the territory of being a young teen though J. We continue to be amazed and grateful that he has adapted so incredibly well. He eats almost anything. He has a consistent smile around the house. He laughs a lot. He talks a lot (at home). He adjusts to routine. He’s helpful around the house. And he is just a well rounded individual.

·      School:

o   We struggled to make the right decision regarding his schooling. We have decided to start him on half days beginning this coming week in Ukrainian Immersion.

o   He has been going to Ukrainian language classes with us (we attend the adult class while he attends his grade level) every Saturday morning.

·      Communication:

o   How do we communicate? The honest answer is, we don’t know. He speaks Russian, we speak English and somehow it just works. Google translate is a welcome tool on any day. But we spend most of our day simply winging it.

o   We would say the only two areas of concern regarding communication is first socially (allowing others to get to know him), and secondly emotionally (having a better ability and gauge on how he is doing in the moment to moment). But that will come with time.

WHAT HAS ADOPTION TAUGHT US?

That is the practical aspect. At the Ukrainian supper we also shared some of the key things that adoption has taught us thus far. Here are three of the biggest learning’s that we shared on that night:

·      Trust and Patience: Right before we left for the Ukraine we sat down to meet with one of our facilitators here in the city to prepare for our trip. We discussed many things. But at one point during our conversation she told us that in all her years with the agency and working with adoptions, the one thing she has become convinced of is the role of divine appointment (it should be said they are not a religious organization). Having arrived back in Canada as a family we share her sentiment. There have been (many) lows and there have been (a few less) highs along the way. And we recognize that it is often easier to reflect on questions of the divine when you are out of the valley. But looking back we cannot help but say with confidence that in some way and some how all of the circumstances aligned in a way that, for us, speaks to something out side of ourselves. Our feeling is that we were in the Ukraine at the exact right time to meet Sasha and for Sasha to meet us.

Regarding what adoption has taught us, here is a bit of what we continue to see as god’s hand in the process:

1.     Our struggle with infertility brought us back to reconsider a conversation we had in our first years of marriage, which was that we valued the idea of adoption and always saw it as a part of our future.

2.     Our first year of marriage was the most difficult of our married life. Merely six months in we made the decision to bring two furry friends in to our family who, at that time in our lives, became something of our salvation. They have been with us through thick and thin (our entire married life). 8 years later we found ourselves hitting a similar low in our married lives, so low that we feared divorce. The truth is, in our lowest moments it was the right conversations at the right time, and unexpected doors of opportunity that brought the discussion of adoption back in to the mix and encouraged us to learn to trust in god and trust in our marriage when we did not know how. Sasha now completes our family, and in a similar way to our furry friends, is now pushing us to reconnect as a couple, strengthen our marriage and see beyond our circumstance 10 years later.

3.     Patience: We recognize that there are many who have adopted who have had different struggles than ours, and in some ways greater struggles and challenges than our own. The other couples that we have had the privilege of meeting in the recent months have inspired us with stories of patience and endurance. We see god in their stories as well, both in the good and the bad, especially when the sort of patience they modeled seemed impossible . Patience is a learnt attribute. It is often one of the hardest to learn. On our end we believe it has made us in to better people and stronger characters.

4.     So much of our time in Ukraine was marked by extremes, things going either very wrong or impossibly right. In end we look back and cannot help but wonder at just how these extremes seemed to work together for a greater good. One small step to the left or right would have left us in the Ukraine for weeks or months longer, a fact that would have broke us financially (our pennies ran out on what would be the final day of our time in the Ukraine). One small decision would have caused us to miss out on the opportunity to see Sasha at all. As it is, we found a kid who was the perfect fit for our dogs, a prayer we said many a night before leaving. He is a perfect fit for our pace and demeanor. He is a perfect fit for where we are at in life. A mere two day delay in our court hearing process (and on such a meaningless issue) gave us what otherwise would have been a missed opportunity to see and walk through Jen’s family heritage. Again we are convinced that this is a part of a divine appointment.

5.     When it comes to the practice of adoption, there has always been a tension between the legal process and the emotional one. On a government level something happens on a piece of paper (okay, a lot of pieces of paper). On a spiritual and emotional level it symbolizes something even greater. In fact, we have come to believe (and learn) that adoption is about so much more than getting to declare your status with a piece of paper, or even a symbol. Adoption, for us, has become a sacred act. There is something actual and very real that happens when that court decree is declared, when that passport arrives, or when you first step off that plane as a new family. Something changes and transforms at the core of who you are and where you find your identity.  There is a bond that forms and reaches backwards and forwards to rearrange your memories and your sense of your own history together. It is hard to explain, and we did not know to expect it before we left. But we can both say that we definitely felt it happen. 

6.     When one thinks of adoption it is easy to think of it as an act of charity, that you are committing to saving a kid from conditions that are less than ideal. Having walked through the process we came to recognize that adoption is not about swooping in to save a child. It is a humbling process to consider that our child had a home, a culture and a life in the Ukraine. Yes, we can provide Sasha with his own bedroom and a family, and opportunities he would not otherwise have. But at the same time we also learned the value of honoring and recognizing the life that he knew and the community that he had to choose to leave behind. There is not a moment that goes by where we do not reflect on the fact that for as much as we chose Sasha, Sasha also chose us. It is a relationship that flows in both directions and that must learn to give and receive in both directions.

LOOKING AHEAD AT THE COMING DAYS

So where are we at now? We are having so much fun with Sasha in our home. We are spending our days learning routines and building traditions. It is surprising how many "firsts" we are experiencing together.  Given his age we had to hit the ground running. The first time decorating for Halloween and Christmas, going trick or treating, going to the corn maze, trying certain Manitoba staples (including maple syrup), going to the dentist, seeing a parade. The list goes on. Every moment counts as he will grow up very quickly. We have no idea how to parent, and specifically to navigate the uniqueness of cross cultural adoption. But we desire to do the best that we can with what we have and who we are. Some of the biggest things in the coming weeks is starting school, going out on his own with others (other than us) for the first time(s). Expanding his social circle and meeting and making friends.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support. We have truly felt the communities support carrying us through this all along the way.