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Sunday, December 9, 2018

Another Yearly Adoption Update: Looking Back at Loss, Gains and 17 Years of Age

"Where there is grief there is also the chance to celebrate. Where there is loss there is also the chance to gain."

I wrote this in our yearly adoption update last year in reference to Sasha growing up too fast. We blinked and he was 16.

And now he is 17.

These words were especially meaningful to look back on this year because, while it was speaking to some of the more intangible (but still very real) losses that we go through with our children growing up far too fast, it is the very literal loss of our dear Lucy girl this past August that has hit hard in 2018. Which has left this latest update sitting in this space for too long, unable to be finished.




To be clear, Lucy is our dog, an integral part of the brother-sister duo that bonded with Sasha the minute he walked through our door. The two of them were our kids, our family, and they were the hardest part of choosing to step on that plane to head to Ukraine 4 years ago. And although Sasha tends to keep a lot bottled up in terms of emotion, there is no question that these two precious and spirited voices became an integral part of his transition. Their bond was unbreakable, which gives her death that much more power to break us.

To be honest, Jen and I are still broken in ways spoken and in ways unspoken. To be heading into this Christmas and 2019 missing a crucial piece of our family hurts. It hurts deeply. She wasn't just "like" our kid. She was our family. Period. And there is a hole that now exists where her spirit now persists. A physical hole. An emotional hole. A spiritual hole.

But what has held off the publishing of this blog most of all is thinking back and putting words to the unspoken ways that it broke Sasha. To be clear he approached the whole thing with a degree of pragmatism that has been a consistent mark of his tough, defiant Ukrainian exterior. Which is not to say Sasha doesn't display emotion. We feel lucky that he is as emotionally present as he is knowing that is not true with every adoption, even if those emotions are largely about knowing when he is happy, frustrated or angry. But for the first time since arriving in Canada we saw someone unable to hide his pain. Someone who shed a tear. Someone who arrived at the moment of her death with a very serious question formed in his own way and with his own words- why?

For the first time we saw true sadness. Sadness that we had no answer for. And even if it was only for a moment, if there is ever a harder thing to face as a parent...

So we hang onto those words, for as tough as it is to do. Where there is grief there is a chance to celebrate. Where there is loss there is gain. That is what this years update looks to do as we recognize our journey as a family, Sasha's journey towards turning 17 years old.



17 YEARS OLD!?
Did I just say 17 years old!? If you don't mind me saying, that is a bit ridiculous. I could easily just cut and paste last year's blog and place it directly into this space with all of our exasperation included... except this time with all caps.

17 YEARS OLD!

Last year was a year where we noted a contrast between our deep set fears (new school, new grade, new era as we watched him undeniably shedding his skin and becoming a man-child in front of our eyes) and our celebration (excelling in his new school, getting an award, getting involved in new things). In fact, looking back at last years blog we ended it on a rather poignant note of unabashed optimism. These were our fears, but this was our reality. And this kid is simply soaring and parenting right now is a piece of cake...

That was in October. Reality came crashing back to earth pretty quickly in November. Sasha signed up for basketball and we got our first taste of a sports schedule (otherwise known as the deepest pits of hell). With our schedules in complete disarray some of Sasha's grades started to plummet. Exhaustion set in at home which meant tempers were flaring, family time was complicated and attitudes (on all of our parts) were becoming a serous challenge.

And all of that snowboarding time that was supposed to occupy the winter months at one point in time? I think he made it out once.

But a dose of reality can also be a good thing. And so with maybe a more balanced (wiser?) perspective this year, and looking back on the hopes and dreams that came out of last year's blog, here are some of the things we can look back on with a smile :)

1. More snowboarding... on the heels of more PAINTBALLING
Sasha is back in basketball, but I think all of us (hopefully) have a greater awareness of what lies ahead. Which (also hopefully) means we can strike more of a balance with his interests this year.

And truth be told, where Sasha is normally all over the map with what it is he is interested in or how he desires to use his time, this past summer saw him, I think for the first time since coming to Canada, actually narrowing his focus towards something very particular- paintballing.

I still remember how for his very first birthday in Canada we all went paintballing. I remember because it hurt. A lot. And I think I might still have those welts. I definitely have the nightmares of those bullets and fearing for my life.

For some reason though that kid who I recall running onto the field like Rambo with his gun point in the air and firing with all abandon likes the pain (hey dad, I used up all my paintballs in 60 seconds, can I borrow some of yours... yes, Sash, please take all of my bullets). He bought some gear and became a known fixture of the weekly Splatter's paintball rec club (going on to get an award for best mentor at the end of the season) every Sunday afternoon. I think this dedication will go a long way in helping him find that discipline he need to make snowboarding an equal part of his routine over the winter.

2. More Lobster... and more movies
Often times it is the little things that mean the most. Last year we wrote about his love for seafood and cooking Lobster and his love for heading to the theater. Movies are my territory and my investment (Aquaman has been circled on our figurative calendar for a long time now). Cooking is his mom's territory, and on top of having a special birthday outing to his favorite restaurant (Red Lobster), some of the best moments have been our daily walks through the grocery store where he will get so excited at the prospect of bringing home a specially selected choice of seafood to cook.

Well, maybe it doesn't get his mom and dad as excited (as Sash confidently stands behind the stove and declares "alright let's do this..." followed by an exasperated "mom!!! How do I do this"... then followed by a 'hey dad!!! you know you want some. It's so good. Hear try some. Just a little..." No Sash. I most definitely do not want any.

And did I mention that smell... learn how to use the fan and open a window sometime Sash.

3. Forget lifeguarding... and school for that matter. The kid just wants a job.
Lifegaurding was a bust. Sash won't admit it, but we are confident in saying he threw his final test after getting frustrated with the communication of his teacher. And he has zero interest in going back or revisiting the conversation.

HOWEVER, if you can picture this. Our kid in a pair of over sized steel toed boots, a lunch kit in hand ready to head off to catch his bus to go to work. Yep, that's right. He got his first real job this summer thanks to a willing friend who welcomed him onto his construction site. And the kid was beyond thrilled. He was elated. So much so that he exclaimed "why am I going to school when I can be doing THIS!"

Don't worry, he's still in school. And did we mention on his last report card he had 90's in all of his courses? Did we also mention that basketball starts this week :)

Just keeping on that reality check.




4. From Youth to Knoxville
Last year we talked about the loss of Sasha's youth leader (who moved to B.C.), who was in many ways the closest thing he had to a mentor. It was a transition year as new faces came on to continue to group, and as a family youth and Church is something we have tried our best to stay invested in together.

This year the group has grown by leaps and bounds with a bunch of new and young faces coming of age. But it also brings with it a bit more clarity to Sasha's age. He is approaching that age where fitting in somewhere in the community at Church is going to become harder and harder. There is another adopted family at our Church who recently watched their child graduate as well, and so we know the challenge of navigating that space in between is all too real. Our hope and prayer in these moments now is that there are roots taking shape that can hold that space together for Sash in the coming years no matter how big it might get.

But for now, it was quite exciting for us to be able to send Sash down to Knoxville this past summer for our denomination wide youth conference. It was his first experience with something that big and a road trip of that nature. And man did the kid get handed a dose of setbacks. A really, really painful experience with swimmer's ear stole much from his ability to participate and enjoy those memories. But we are grateful, and again hopeful as we watch him slowly closing that gap between 17 and 18 (yep, he's going to be 18 for his ENTIRE graduating year... just in case this slow transition from middle years attitude to teenage attitude needed any more of an accent) and approaching youth and Church with a fresh set of eyes that he has these leaders and this community around him in the way that he does, and in ways that he might not even fully realize yet.

5. Driving... or maybe not driving... or maybe drivingSasha completed driver's ed, got his learners and was all on board the driving train (independence baby!). And then he got in a couple accidents. One not so serious, one that was serious enough to write off our car and send me to emergency (we are all okay).

As a testament to his current resilience, that $1000 price tag to renew his license this December hasn't deterred him from getting back behind the wheel. It has complicated this whole parenting thing though. There is a big part of us that wants to swoop in and pay that off for him (you know, with that secret stash of money that we have hiding in our upstairs dresser... everyone has a secret stash of money, right?). The other part of us feels like we need to let him work through it.

It's enough to prompt plenty of discussion surrounding Jen and I's different upbringings and our own knee jerk reactions to times like these when it comes to knowing how to parent. We like to think this is where marriage brings a perfect balance after the discussions "weigh" themselves out. We also like to think sometimes that parenting a teenage child is a breeze. You know, in that alternate reality that we like to live in :)

Reality checks can be good things. If everything was predictable and easy it wouldn't be interesting. And in the end we all benefit (I think) from our own willingness to just jump into this life we sometimes call a disaster with both feet all together. That's what they say love is made of after all.



6. From Ukrainian food stores to Ukraine

It's Christmas. Sasha knows to expect by now a stocking full of Ukrainian goodies. It's just what we do. This year has seen plenty of trips to the Ukrainian food store, which is always one of our favorite things to do together. But what has also been on the table, and being brought up with continued reference, is potential plans to take Sasha back to Ukraine after he graduates. It's something we have been talking about for a while, but the closer it gets the more it seems to be taking shape as a reality. So even though it is a long way off, if this year proved anything it is that the excitement and anticipation for making that a reality seems to be making its way more and more to the forefront of our family time together. And with all that Sasha has seemingly lost or shoved under the rug in terms of his heritage and past, to hear him speaking a little bit more Russian from time to time these days and to see him wanting to go back is incredibly meaningful for us. So here's to plenty of time to plan for a couple people that are not great planners! :)



The Path Ahead Towards Independence
In closing last year's blog we wrote this-
"There is no one path that has to be followed and no single cultural norm that must define him. And we hope this year that, as his parents, we are able to help play a role in freeing him up to live into his reality with freedom and grace."

It's a fitting hope and prayer for this year as well, especially as we hurdle towards his 18th year of being a human. I can tell you definitively, that one of the most challenging pieces of seeing him turn 17 is knowing that those dependent middle years we took for granted (in so many ways) actually have a shelf life and that we are now definitively parenting into the great unknown of adulthood and independence. Challenging in a challenging way, but challenging in a good way. Yes, it's hard to begin to let go a little more each day. It's hard to embrace the constant changes. And as changes go, it seems near impossible on some days to deal with the losses, especially when they hit so close to home in such tangible ways. But we embrace all of that trusting that God is at work somehow and in someway in his life and ours, continuing to build this thing we call a family. And as we learn to trust we learn to cherish more and more. He's 17 YEARS OLD, which means another year to celebrate with this man-child as he continues to find his way towards independence.

So, with that, much cheer and eggnogg to the year that lies ahead.

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